Melinda

Thirsting

I am spending so much time sitting in front of the computer with bulletins and newsletters and the stuff of a secretary's life that I haven't had much desire to get on and write. It is an interesting period for me, as parts of it feed my creative spirit as well as the desire to be of some use somewhere to somebody, and parts of it bore me with the tedium of the tasks. Good, though, to experience a different way for a while, to help me pay attention more closely to the reasons why I am called to teach, not to file or make phone calls, why I am called to create and write, not to organize and recite others' agendas.

The days have cooled down from the 100's of last week, but are beginning to heat up again. Back into the triple digits by next week. I prefer the cold to the extreme heat, but don't get to choose--and couldn't afford enough air conditioning to make it happen in the walls of my existence! So I slog through the heat with the rest, wishing it would rain and relieve the thirst emanating from the earth, using it too often as an excuse to become thirsty myself, being too tired, too hot, too sluggish to attend to the dryness that too often grows inside. Ah, for those perfect days (that exist only in my imagination!)

Needing Structure

I am in a new way of structuring my days for a few months, having taken on the temporary job of filling in as the secretary at our church office. I am familiar enough with the computers, the programming, the people that it has been a fairly seamless transition. Around the part-time hours, I am committed to swimming, either at the YMCA in the morning or the outdoor pool in the afternoon--once it opens. The outdoor pool is really my preference, as there is something that cleanses the spirit as well when the water is cool and the air is hot and the play of clouds and sun and blue sky above and behind and around the Hills is ever visible.

The structure forced upon me by having to get to "work" is good for me, as I am prone to procrastinate and wile away the day with little to show for it. That is such a treat for myself when it is an occasional happenstance, but it would be all too easy to have it become the norm! The need to get up and out and moving with some purpose is a catalyst for the rest of the day. Everything is done more easily, even finding time for prayer and remembering to pay attention to the evidence of God. . . The paycheck, small as it is, will be nice when I have to fill up the Silver Beast at the gas station. But the real paycheck is keeping enough order in my days to keep me focused without being bound by a structure that makes me forget it's summer.

Seeing

Kahil Gibran once said, "Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it." My challenge is to be one of those who sees it--in those students who refuse to take advantage of the opportunities to learn each day, in those fellow staff members who latch onto some pet peeve and harp on it every day, in the stacks of papers that are waiting for me to grade them, in the early morning when my alarm goes off before I am ready to awaken, in the late night hours when my mind spins with all that is remaining to be done, in the ordinary living of the day.  I know it's there--my prayer is for it to be unveiled so I can see it and appreciate it rather than have it pass by unnoticed--or, even worse, to have me only see what is frustrating and irritating about it!

Beauty

John Muir wrote, "Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul."  In this springtime after the cleansing rain, in the midst of grief stemming from loss and frustration that always accompanies the end of the school year, I am finding this especially true.  Simply allowing myself to BE in the presence of a tree or a stream or a garden of tulips, to BE in the field or under the night sky or in the Black Hills of South Dakota, to BE in those places of beauty with nothing more pressing than playing and praying--this is a way to renew the reserves so there is something to give again tomorrow...

go now and have sorrow

Found out just a short time ago that a young mother (the daughter of a good friend of mine) died during the night. She just quit breathing, and so far, they cannot find any rational reason why it happened. Her husband tried to revive her with CPR, but was unsuccessful. Her unborn child was delivered by C-section and is struggling to survive, and hope is measured as there is no way to know how long she was without oxygen. Her other two children, 1 and 3 years old, have no real understanding of what has happened, but the older says she is "nervous" and indicates her tummy is upset.

There is no sense to be made of such a death. No warning or indication it loomed on the horizon. No feeling it was a life that had learned what it had to learn and given what it had to give and was ready to be done. No lesson to be learned or meaning to be had or way to even begin to believe it was part of God's plan. I don't believe such things are.

Bad things happen to good people and while God is the foundation of strength that helps us deal with those things, no way do I believe God causes them. Jesus told his disciples, "Ye now, therefore, have sorrow; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice and your joy no man taketh from you." He said, "Go now--have sorrow."

So we are filled with grief and struggle with the fragility of life. I gather with the family for a short time to simply share the pain and loss, knowing I cannot fill the emptiness or offer anything that will make it make sense. But together, with God, we will have sorrow and say goodbye and cherish the gift of this life that shone in our midst. And we will be okay.

Paying Attention

We had a 6th grader in our school commit suicide yesterday.  Not someone I knew personally or had any contact with, but from all accounts a kid with a lot going for him.  Of course, the student body--especially those in his team--are a bit shell-shocked today.  Most don't know yet that it was self-inflicted, just that he died--which seems to be enough to handle.  It is a reminder of how fragile life is, how easily the spirit is bruised, and how necessary it is to help give kids tools to help them cope with times that feel too dark to ever shine light again.

It is a reminder that in the midst of all we teach in public schools, all we do to inspire and prepare for success, all we expect of ourselves and our kids--that we need to see beyond the tasks at hand and those expectations into the individuals themselves.  Sometimes we simply need to remember to really listen to and see the individual rather than the work they produce or the behaviors they exhibit. We live in a world that gets so busy and so focused on doing that we forget to BE in real relationship with each other, with ourselves, with our God. We learn to hide our souls from harsh scrutiny and keep our fears and insecurities to ourselves.  We learn to please others instead of being true to ourselves, and when we fail to please others or recognize how far away from ourselves we have drifted, we struggle to breathe.

There are so many questions being asked today, the Why? and What-did-we-miss? and Who-else-are-we-missing?.  Sometimes there are no answers to be found. Sometimes it is just an impulsive response to a bad moment.  But if we can be more intentional at loving and accepting the individual and less focused on outward achievement, comparisons and competition with each other, perhaps we will be able to more often prevent the need for the questions in the first place. . .

Making the Jump

I coach middle school high jump (which is sort of strange, since my own vertical lift is about 1 inch!) and we are in the midst of determining who has the aptitude to do what.  I had to tell a number of kids who wanted to pursue high jump that it just wasn't in the cards for them, usually because it wouldn't be safe.  They either can't jump (like me), have little control over their bodies, or no flexibility.  High jump is one of the few events in track and field where someone could actually get hurt if they don't have the ability.  I've had concussions and stitches and moments when my heart has stopped when they miss the mat or do something equally dangerous. Sometimes it amazes me they even considered high jump when they have few athletic gifts.

I know it is important for middle school kids to develop a variety of skills as they are still changing and growing.  Those who can't jump today may well be able to do so in a few years after they have matured and developed.  It is also true, however, that there are different gifts in different people.  It is critical to our own well-being that we learn to discern what our gifts are and not get caught up in the adreneline of the moment, acting as though someone else's gifts were ours.

I have come to understand that true happiness and peace of mind occurs when we match our personal, individual gifts with our actions and lifestyles.  So much of our growing up years are spent trying to fit in with others, wishing we were like someone else, or pursuing activities for which we had no real passion simply because it was the thing to do.  When we are finally comfortable with ourselves and understand what brings energy into our being, when we can recognize what we love to do is also what we do well, when we can appreciate who we are without coveting characteristics of someone else--then we find peace of mind and fulfillment in God's design. When I find the things I am doing bring resentment and stress, it is time for me to examine them and decide WHY I'm doing them.  It might well be better for EVERYONE if I allow someone with true gifts in those areas to take over! 

Some of the kids that can't high jump will discover they have great potential with the shot or discuss or distance running.  Some of them will find they aren't gifted in track and field at all, but they may well be the same individual who will sit for hours with a book or sick puppy or small child.  Somewhere, they each have a gift that is necessary to the big picture we call this world.  My prayer is that they discover it sooner rather than later. . .and that they are okay accepting they can't jump over a skinny little bar onto a big mat without getting hurt or humiliated.

Learning

I am, today, being a somewhat lazy teacher, spending more time at my computer than canvassing the room for kids who need help.  It is okay, some days, to leave them to work without my hovering, as it forces them to think a little harder and be a little more self-sufficient.

At least, that's my rationale!  I think of how we are allowed to go on our own path in life, with God always there ready to catch us if we fall but allowing us to think for ourselves, do for ourselves, triumph or fail for ourselves.  If we were controlled like a puppet on a string, the relinquishing control TO God would be meaningless.  We would be programmed rather than coming to points of learning and wisdom on our own.  I sense there would be little joy in that.

Those who need my help still wander back to my desk, and they sometimes help each other, instead.  I wander the room every 15 minutes or so, and find they are managing quite well.  It is good, sometimes, to just sit and watch the process as they uncover the things they know and discover how to figure out what they don't know.  It makes me smile--and I hope God smiles as God watches me grow, too. . .

Naming the rocks, again

Now that track season has swung into full force, I find my time is different.  Reading Terry's blog on change feels so familiar, so I don't want to repeat the ways it can throw me off and make it so things are forgotten or left untended.  Mostly, it is just that the hours I now have to dedicate to coaching occupy the space I used to have to grade papers and catch up on things like blogging.  The paper grading gets moved to later at night and, sadly, the journaling sometimes gets pushed to another day.  And another day.  And another day.

In my meeting with my spiritual director Saturday, we talked about how easy it is to take care of the world before we take care of ourselves, how too many of us relegate prayer life and, for me, journaling, to something I'll do when (if) I have time after everything else gets done.  What happens to often is everything else is never done, or I am too tired, too frazzled, too crazy to even turn the computer on.  Yet, I know that if I take care of the prayer and journaling FIRST, I will not only still find time to do whatever else is important, I will handle it all so much better internally.

It's that whole thing about the rocks and pebbles and sand again.  The things that are most important need to be done first and the rest will all fit.  If I fill my time with the sand first, the rocks never do make it.  I just need, now, to remember which things are my rocks. . .You'll know if I'm succeeding if I get back to more regular visits here! 

New Life

I have been reading paragraphs--some more complex than others--from my 8th graders about the lifestyles they would choose to experience that would be different from their own.  Many of them are pretty predictable; they want to be rich and famous or professional athletes or even just adults.  There are some, however, that strike deep and move me with their honesty and insight.

One just wants to know what it would be like to live in a house and have his own room, thinking it must be very different to have that than to sleep on the couch in the living room and have no space to call his own.  Several would like to experience being blind or in a wheelchair because they think they probably take their lives too much for granted and it would help them appreciate them more, as well as help them understand those who are handicapped.  Several would like to be poor or homeless for a short time because they think it's too easy to forget such folks even exist and they want to remember to care. 

In this world where it is too easy to fear what the future holds in store, to question the integrity of a new generation, to doubt much hope is able to be found--it is good to be reminded of the heart that lives in so many of these kids.  It is good to recognize they will continue to grow and be there when I am the one needing their compassion.  It is good to know there are those who will carry tomorrow in gentle hands. 

It is good to know they are already here today, looking the world through eyes that see beyond the designer clothes and hyped-up fads, hearing more than the jumble of angry rappers, recognizing there is more than the world they are familiar with--and wanting to touch those worlds first-hand so they can understand them better.